Tonight Jordan said some incredibly offensive things to Heather.
I don't know how to apologize to Heather for him (as I feel it is my responsibility, since he is my friend). He was terrible to her. Also, I am sure Heather is mad at me by association.
I understand that they don't get along etc etc. but it just really hurts to get caught in the crossfire. Especially because Jordan says and does things to intentionally hurt Heather which hurts me by extension. I don't do that to his friends... why does he have to be so malicious? He doesn't think about anyone but himself nor does he think about what consequences his actions will have on others/his relationships.
Joe and Jordan have made judgments about the people that I hang out with and grill me all the time for it. I really just wish there could be some respect. I am nothing but pleasant to their friends. I make it a point to be welcoming when they are in my home and all... yet they are giant jerks to my friends.
too bad I can't stand up for myself or my friends.
for that and so much more I am sorry.
now if I only I could just disappear.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Monday, April 7, 2008
feel like crying and...
I am having a rough day.
Hearing about another job offer that Jordan got makes me feel like I picked the wrong path in life... I am pretty sure after one year of service I will not be given a company car and shit like that. I don't really understand why engineers get all of these perks. I often think that the liberal arts skill set is undervalued and the science/math skill set is overvalued. I am going to be 22 with a master's degree soon and still not get the kind of offers that Jordan gets now with his incomplete degree. I am jealous and upset. Mostly I just feel like crying and not doing anything with my life.
Courtney has pretty much decided to live as a hermit in the Highlands of Scotland and study in some foreign country for graduate school. She is a brilliant girl and I am absolutely confident that she will get into whatever school she wants and that will take her away from me again... this time for years. It mucks up my post college plans. Mostly it makes me feel like crying and hiding from everyone.
Hearing about another job offer that Jordan got makes me feel like I picked the wrong path in life... I am pretty sure after one year of service I will not be given a company car and shit like that. I don't really understand why engineers get all of these perks. I often think that the liberal arts skill set is undervalued and the science/math skill set is overvalued. I am going to be 22 with a master's degree soon and still not get the kind of offers that Jordan gets now with his incomplete degree. I am jealous and upset. Mostly I just feel like crying and not doing anything with my life.
Courtney has pretty much decided to live as a hermit in the Highlands of Scotland and study in some foreign country for graduate school. She is a brilliant girl and I am absolutely confident that she will get into whatever school she wants and that will take her away from me again... this time for years. It mucks up my post college plans. Mostly it makes me feel like crying and hiding from everyone.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
...In 5-ish parts
Some things that are on my mind:
1. doctor visits and the like - I got back the results from my girly parts exam and I have a clean bill of health as far as that goes. I went to have blood work done on Friday which sucked a big fat one. It hurt and they had to stick me a couple times to find my vein. I felt lightheaded after a symptom of my squeamishness, I guess. I am never going to be okay with having needles in my veins (so IV drug use is out, sorry kids). I will get those test results back in about two weeks and we'll see about anemia, thyroid disease and all sorts of other exciting things. I also was diagnosed with fibrocystic breasts which is apparently quite common. I do not care other than it is apparently harder to detect possible cancerous growths in your boobies with this type of breast.
2. school - It is getting to be crunch time. I really need to start working on everything but I am just so damn lazy. I intend on dedicating the majority of the next two days to research and paper writing etc. but we'll see if I can keep on track. I have 3 final projects that are due at the end of this month. One is a rather significant research paper and I am going to do an experimental study. The second is to propose an online community and basically do some proof of concept work and research of the space while incorporating the topics we've been discussing in class. I have a clear idea of what I want to do, but I am finding it difficult to sit down and start writing down all of my ideas. The last project is for my tech class. He has yet to post the assignment, but my instructor has explained that it will be a PowerPoint presentation. This may or may not prove that this class is a waste of time.
3. social life - I've been doing some fun social things of late. I've to hockey games and random lunches/dinners with my parents. I have spent some time hanging out with friends in real relaxed settings. I really enjoy spending my time this way. But I am sort of realizing that my comfort bubble is hindering me. Earlier today I found myself thinking that I know a lot of people that are in relationships and that I would like to have that for myself. Then I inspected my thought closer and realized that most of my closest friends are all single. I know maybe a half dozen couples and can only count 2 maybe 3 as close friends. I feel like I am starting to prematurely worry about if I'll ever find someone and other sorts of down the road stuff. I fear my lazy attitude about all of this is going to bite me in the ass. The "meh, there is someone out there for me and we'll meet eventually" doesn't work if you stay home all the time... but I also don't want to meet anyone at any of the places I have been to socially of late. I am starting to think that LA isn't the city for me.
3.5. social life again - I am considering talking to a professional about my inability to deal with what I have come to call my Jordan issues. I have this weird set of issues that stem from my relationship with him. I keep trying to be what he wants instead of myself and all sorts of other bullshit. I don't know how to stop this vicious circle and feel like me again. I limit myself. It is truly stifling my ability to mature.
4. The Internets - I just want to put it out there that I have recently fallen madly in love with microblogging and Twitter. I started it a few months back but now all I think about is having a cell phone with a QWERTY keyboard so that I can text in my tweets with more ease and frequency.
4.5. The Internets v.2.0. - Read this Mashable article and the root AP article about Virginia public schools teaching internet safety. I am sort of torn on this issue. I love the idea of teaching kids about the internet and including safety and privacy and all of that good stuff in a curriculum. It is imperative that we start talking about these issues with kids early (internet=future, children = future, think about it). It is easy for kids to put their creative work on the internet and they should know about protecting themselves, their identity, their creative work etc. However, it kind of bothers me that this programs seems to be parental responsibility offloaded onto a school system. Howard Rheingold says [I paraphrase] that we teach our kids to look both ways before they cross the street and tell them not to talk to strangers and we must teach them rules for Internet use. Parents need to get involved in their kids lives. This simple rule applies for drugs, alcohol, sex, tv, internet, playing nice with other kids in the sandbox... If parents would talk to their kids about all of this life would be better. I also recommend reading Media Effects Research: A Basic Overview by Glenn G Sparks. It is easily accessible and informative.
5. interior decorating - I have been thinking a lot about how I want to decorate my future apartment (mostly because I haven't bothered to ask Courtney and Kate what furniture they are bringing to the mix) and I am also thinking about getting my own place at some point in the near future (probably sometime in summer/fall 09). I love HGTV and constantly think about how I want to decorate spaces. I for sure am having a red kitchen (if you know anything about my collection of kitchen things, you know that it is all red). I think I've settled on a living room scheme for now. I am working on getting a bedroom together but I worry that when I upgrade my bed when I move into my own place I will want to change my whole scheme (not that there is anything wrong with that, but money will be tight...). I mostly love thinking about the possibilities and not doing anything. This is the story of my life. Thinking and not acting, ever.
1. doctor visits and the like - I got back the results from my girly parts exam and I have a clean bill of health as far as that goes. I went to have blood work done on Friday which sucked a big fat one. It hurt and they had to stick me a couple times to find my vein. I felt lightheaded after a symptom of my squeamishness, I guess. I am never going to be okay with having needles in my veins (so IV drug use is out, sorry kids). I will get those test results back in about two weeks and we'll see about anemia, thyroid disease and all sorts of other exciting things. I also was diagnosed with fibrocystic breasts which is apparently quite common. I do not care other than it is apparently harder to detect possible cancerous growths in your boobies with this type of breast.
2. school - It is getting to be crunch time. I really need to start working on everything but I am just so damn lazy. I intend on dedicating the majority of the next two days to research and paper writing etc. but we'll see if I can keep on track. I have 3 final projects that are due at the end of this month. One is a rather significant research paper and I am going to do an experimental study. The second is to propose an online community and basically do some proof of concept work and research of the space while incorporating the topics we've been discussing in class. I have a clear idea of what I want to do, but I am finding it difficult to sit down and start writing down all of my ideas. The last project is for my tech class. He has yet to post the assignment, but my instructor has explained that it will be a PowerPoint presentation. This may or may not prove that this class is a waste of time.
3. social life - I've been doing some fun social things of late. I've to hockey games and random lunches/dinners with my parents. I have spent some time hanging out with friends in real relaxed settings. I really enjoy spending my time this way. But I am sort of realizing that my comfort bubble is hindering me. Earlier today I found myself thinking that I know a lot of people that are in relationships and that I would like to have that for myself. Then I inspected my thought closer and realized that most of my closest friends are all single. I know maybe a half dozen couples and can only count 2 maybe 3 as close friends. I feel like I am starting to prematurely worry about if I'll ever find someone and other sorts of down the road stuff. I fear my lazy attitude about all of this is going to bite me in the ass. The "meh, there is someone out there for me and we'll meet eventually" doesn't work if you stay home all the time... but I also don't want to meet anyone at any of the places I have been to socially of late. I am starting to think that LA isn't the city for me.
3.5. social life again - I am considering talking to a professional about my inability to deal with what I have come to call my Jordan issues. I have this weird set of issues that stem from my relationship with him. I keep trying to be what he wants instead of myself and all sorts of other bullshit. I don't know how to stop this vicious circle and feel like me again. I limit myself. It is truly stifling my ability to mature.
4. The Internets - I just want to put it out there that I have recently fallen madly in love with microblogging and Twitter. I started it a few months back but now all I think about is having a cell phone with a QWERTY keyboard so that I can text in my tweets with more ease and frequency.
4.5. The Internets v.2.0. - Read this Mashable article and the root AP article about Virginia public schools teaching internet safety. I am sort of torn on this issue. I love the idea of teaching kids about the internet and including safety and privacy and all of that good stuff in a curriculum. It is imperative that we start talking about these issues with kids early (internet=future, children = future, think about it). It is easy for kids to put their creative work on the internet and they should know about protecting themselves, their identity, their creative work etc. However, it kind of bothers me that this programs seems to be parental responsibility offloaded onto a school system. Howard Rheingold says [I paraphrase] that we teach our kids to look both ways before they cross the street and tell them not to talk to strangers and we must teach them rules for Internet use. Parents need to get involved in their kids lives. This simple rule applies for drugs, alcohol, sex, tv, internet, playing nice with other kids in the sandbox... If parents would talk to their kids about all of this life would be better. I also recommend reading Media Effects Research: A Basic Overview by Glenn G Sparks. It is easily accessible and informative.
5. interior decorating - I have been thinking a lot about how I want to decorate my future apartment (mostly because I haven't bothered to ask Courtney and Kate what furniture they are bringing to the mix) and I am also thinking about getting my own place at some point in the near future (probably sometime in summer/fall 09). I love HGTV and constantly think about how I want to decorate spaces. I for sure am having a red kitchen (if you know anything about my collection of kitchen things, you know that it is all red). I think I've settled on a living room scheme for now. I am working on getting a bedroom together but I worry that when I upgrade my bed when I move into my own place I will want to change my whole scheme (not that there is anything wrong with that, but money will be tight...). I mostly love thinking about the possibilities and not doing anything. This is the story of my life. Thinking and not acting, ever.
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