Friday, January 13, 2012

New Year, New You Part Threeux

Fact: Thinking about going to the gym burns between 0 and 0 calories.

Things I have learned at the gym:

1. If you aren't sweating, you're not working hard enough. Seriously, sweat is just your fat crying. Hurt that fat's feelings. Bully it like you want it to make a "it gets better" video and then kill itself a week later. (that joke is in poor taste, I'm sorry).
2. Grab your towel and don't panic. Listen, you're going to sweat and need to mop off. Bring a little towel with you. Gyms sell these OR you can get packs of them on the cheap at Target (hand towel size is perfect).
3. A little grunting is okay. Grunting like you are having a difficult and painful bowel movement isn't okay. If you are making that much noise, you probably are not at the right settings. You'll rupture, strain, sprain or pull something.
4. Wipe down your machine. I know, I know - that little spray bottle of who knows what kind of cleaner and a couple swipes with a paper towel probably doesn't do much... but it is just nice to know that the person ahead of you made the effort to at least get the visible puddle of sweat off or whatever else gross. (p.s. don't think about how icky the gym actually is... working out is worth it and take hot showers, use soap etc).
5. Do not fear the weight machines. I have lived this culture of fear and am just getting over it. They aren't that scary - they have labels that show you how to do it properly and you should do a resistance that is comfortable yet challenging. Ask someone if you are unsure and if all else fails go home, do a work out tape or follow those "perfect arms for party dresses" workout tutorials in fashion magazines.

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